Last week I had conversations with two separate people at the high school that I find myself revisiting because of a comment that was made toward the end of one conversation and the next day in a phone call with the second person. In both cases, the comment referred to something I said that stuck with the other person and influenced their ability to maintain focus. It troubles me because these were important conversations and my intent was to create energy, reflection, and support, not questioning or concern on the part of the listener.
This experience once again reinforces the need for me to use SPACE effectively and to be more intentional about the questions that I ask and how they are asked. I know that my questioning at times can feel like interrogation that is not supportive of skillful conversations. When you leave a conversation with a colleague that is energizing, what did the other person do that leaves you feeling this way and wanting to continue the conversation?
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I have clear recollections of many times I have walked away from a conversation feeling energized and the moves my colleagues made that led to that outcome.
The common denominator has been true positive presupposition. It is energizing to know that my colleagues have faith in my abilities, that they believe that I'm capable of figuring it out and making it happen.
Related to this, I feel empowered when my colleagues and I are clear about whether I am looking for coaching, consulting, or direction. Unasked for advice, regardless of our relationship with the advisee, is perceived as criticism.
Also related, I feel empowered when the questions asked of me are not yes/no questions, when the questions are open ended and give me room to think.
One last item...In the coaching/consulting context, there is little that can kill that feeling of empowerment faster than being asked a question to which the asker has a right answer I'm supposed to come up with. In such situations my thinking narrows to what the asker would want me to say. I lose any opportunity that existed to think broadly and honestly.
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