My discussion skills need work!

I don't normally blog this early in the day, but I am between preparing for and then facilitating an evening meeting so I thought I would share an experience today that caused me some dissonance and what I know will be continued reflection. I'll probably be too tired after the meeting, you know old age and all that.

I met with one of our administrators earlier today where we discussed a variety of topics, some mine and some his. One of the topics was a continuation from last year about support for teachers in the national board certification program. The topic isn't really important it is the conversation that causes me concern. It would not be what we label a skillful discussion, mostly because of my behavior. You need to understand, I teach this stuff so it doesn't feel good when I am confronted by my own behavior.

During the conversation I began to wonder why he couldn't let go and continued to repeat the same rationale and request multiple times. I started to move in the direction that I sometimes do of using positional power to stop what I get tired of, in this case a discussion where I had clearly stated my position and that I didn't want to be influenced. Fortunately, and this is one of the only good parts, I was able to shift and ask myself why does he feel the need to continue this conversation. I asked him a reflective question that gave me insight into his thinking and need that I didn't allow myself to hear or ask about earlier. I paraphrased and he added a little more so that I now understand his need and the reason for his request from him, not from my ladder or filters. I should have continued with a follow up question about how should we now proceed so that we could mutually agree on a course of action, but unfortunately I didn't. This once again demonstrates how hard this stuff is for me at times.

Well, what did I learn? I learned that I need to work on my listening skills. He wasn't really asking for anything other than that I demonstrate to him that I value his position and request. Yes, he wanted to influence my behavior, but as importantly he wanted to know that his supervisor cared enough to listen and would consider his request for further discussion with him and with teachers in the program. I really blew it, this is a fundamental need that all of us have.

What will I now do? Tonight when I get home I'll continue to mentally flog myself unless the meeting goes badly that will then give me something else worthy of flogging. The hard question is how will I respond to his need. I would like to say that it will be easy to have these additional conversations and then raise expectations that I will reconsider my position. It's not always that easy and right now I need time to reflect before deciding on how to proceed. That's not easy to write and probably not what some of you would want to read from someone in my position, but that's my private thinking at this time.

Thanks to my colleague's perseverance and commitment I have a learning experience and a chance to focus on my behavior and that is a gift. Whew, these gifts are sometimes hard to receive and own.